Christian Humor

On a busy street in New York City, a man hustles across an intersection and is just about makes it to the other side before he’s hit by a bus. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers around. “A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd, but there is no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. “A priest, please!” repeats the dying man. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years. “Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for 50 years now I’ve been living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I listen to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.” The policeman agrees and brings the gentleman over to where the dying man is lying. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says in a solemn voice: “B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72.”

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

(You’re going to love the Dad’s reply!)

“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”
OOPS

This is an example of “Tough Learning” as we become more “senior”.

Could this possibly be a look at the future? Hmmm, maybe even the present…………..

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my car keys.

They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. She barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”

DOESN’T HURT TO HAVE A LITTLE BIBLICAL HUMOR!

What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? (Ruthless)

What do they call pastors in Germany? (German Shepherds)

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? (Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.)

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? (Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.)

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? (Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.  David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.  Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord)

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? (Samson. He brought the house down.)

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
(Your mother ate us out of house and home.)

Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? (Moses. He broke all 10 Commandments at once.)

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbour if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her.

She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, ‘Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?’

Timmy nonchalantly replied, ‘Yeah, I know who she is.’

The little girl said, ‘Well, who is she?’

‘That’s just Shirley Goodnest,’ Timmy replied, ‘and her daughter Marcy.’

‘Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?’

‘Well,’ Timmy explained, ‘every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much.’

And in the Psalm, it says, ‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life’, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!’

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you,and give you peace.

May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.

I know you smiled!
I sure did, Pass this on and brighten someone’s day!

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!’
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!’

Two country fellows met on a back road one afternoon.

One was going down the road with a possum-hunting dog and the other said to him, “How much will you take for the dog?”

The owner quoted a price of $100– and declared the dog was an excellent hunter. The other fellow accepted the price and wrote out a check on the spot and handed it over. The owner shook his head and gave the check back.

“The check’s good,” the buyer said. “I’m a trustee in the Methodist Church.”

So the owner took the check and handed over the dog. A little bit later he met his uncle and asked him. “Uncle Josh, what does it mean to be a trustee in the Methodist Church?”

Uncle Josh replied, “I’m not sure, but I think it’s something like being a deacon in the Baptist Church.”

“Oh, shucks,” the man said, “there goes my dog.”

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’ Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side.. I think I’m going to have a wife.’